Professor of Sherlockology and Advanced Snape Studies

It's been so long since I've been immersed in a fandom and really read fanfic. I think it might have been since 2015 since I really read fanfic and just immersed myself in it. Maybe I misremember. I have read fic for academic purposes and that's not the same. And mostly that fic has not be slash or romance. Or if it has been, the romance is not what drew me to it. 

I was reminded of my change in fic reading habits by a recent email thread thread that mentioned Reapersun. Those of you from Sherlock fandom will know that name. I actually bought a copy of WRECK, the graphic novel by Reapersun, back in the day. I went looking for it, and looking through it brought back so many feelings that I'm not sure I want to revisit. I was so heavily into Johnlock post series 2 and around the time I moved to Sweden in 2012. I got so heavily into Podcasting and Setlock and reading fanfic in 2013. When series 3 aired in 2014, I was a wreck. I remember crying in heartbreak for days after watching The Sign of Three. I turned to both Johnlock fic and meta in a kind of desperation to find comfort and an alternate interpretation. I somehow found a series of beautiful Aurthur/Eames Inception fic, even though I have still never seen the movie Inception. 

Other things happened in my life and in fandom (the toxicity of the Johnlock conspiracy really killed a lot of joy) that led me to move away from Johnlock fanfic as a source of comfort or pleasure. 

Being reminded of how much WRECK moved me was bittersweet. A part of me misses that feeling. But a part of me doesn't want to lose myself in something like that again.

But also, I don't know if those feelings, that sentimentality for love and sex exist in me anymore. I'm afraid to find out that they have been depleted and are not coming back, and the thought of this fills me with an overwhelming grief that I don't want to experience in full.