So Long Since I REALLY Read Fanfic

[pennswoods]

It's been so long since I've been immersed in a fandom and really read fanfic. I think it might have been since 2015 since I really read fanfic and just immersed myself in it. Maybe I misremember. I have read fic for academic purposes and that's not the same. And mostly that fic has not be slash or romance. Or if it has been, the romance is not what drew me to it. 

I was reminded of my change in fic reading habits by a recent email thread thread that mentioned Reapersun. Those of you from Sherlock fandom will know that name. I actually bought a copy of WRECK, the graphic novel by Reapersun, back in the day. I went looking for it, and looking through it brought back so many feelings that I'm not sure I want to revisit. I was so heavily into Johnlock post series 2 and around the time I moved to Sweden in 2012. I got so heavily into Podcasting and Setlock and reading fanfic in 2013. When series 3 aired in 2014, I was a wreck. I remember crying in heartbreak for days after watching The Sign of Three. I turned to both Johnlock fic and meta in a kind of desperation to find comfort and an alternate interpretation. I somehow found a series of beautiful Aurthur/Eames Inception fic, even though I have still never seen the movie Inception. 

Other things happened in my life and in fandom (the toxicity of the Johnlock conspiracy really killed a lot of joy) that led me to move away from Johnlock fanfic as a source of comfort or pleasure. 

Being reminded of how much WRECK moved me was bittersweet. A part of me misses that feeling. But a part of me doesn't want to lose myself in something like that again.

But also, I don't know if those feelings, that sentimentality for love and sex exist in me anymore. I'm afraid to find out that they have been depleted and are not coming back, and the thought of this fills me with an overwhelming grief that I don't want to experience in full.

Comments

[clevermanka]

Sherlock (the show and the fandom) did so many people dirty. I'm sorry you still carry that wound. 🫂

[pennswoods]

Thank you.

I was able to watch the entire Sherlock series just recently and without the Johnlock filter on, it was still fun but not as engaging. Except for the Special and large parts of series 4. Some of that remains extremely forgettable for me.

The fandom mess also seems to have been a microcosm of what we see taking place more broadly on social media in political fronts, so it was an interesting lesson in disinformation, conspiracy theories, and cultism.

[clevermanka]

I knew there'd always been ship wars but the puritanism angle was new to me. Sherlock was the first fandom I engaged with beyond anonymously reading fic so I don't know if fandom had always been like that to some extent or if what went down at that 221BCon was a sort of canary in the coal mine.

I peaced-out after the Special failed to salvage any of S3 for me. I recently saw a Tumblr post about S4 which I had very little idea about and hooooo buddy, that was... sure something that someone wrote.

[mundungus42]

*hug* It's hard when your relationship with a fandom changes so much that you mourn it. I kinda miss the crush I had on Ben, or at least the feels that came from it. But holy crap, Sherlock S4 and the unhinged fandom nearly killed my love for Sherlock Holmes, which is no small thing given that I've been obsessed with him since I was 11. It really took returning to ACD, Jeremy Brett, and the Granada series through the Holmestice fest and the beautiful fic that people were still writing to get me to the point that I even offered to write fic for BBC Sherlock again. It won't be the same, but as with HP, the flaws and empty spaces leave lots of room to play, and for a plot puzzler like me, that's all I need. And ever since Moffatt et. al. tanked BBC Sherlock, the fest skews ACD once again, which suits me down to the ground.

My comfort reading of late has been SSHG, even though I haven't written HP fic since before the pandemic. But (this may be TMI, apologies) I've been less drawn to reading it after going (temporarily) back on hormonal birth control, which I know kills my libido. So realizing the degree to which my ability to be attracted to characters determines what and how much fic I read has been a bit sobering.

[pennswoods]

I used to have such a crush on Benedict too! Your observation about hormonal birth control is interesting. I am clearly in perimenopaus so hormone changes are afoot and I don't know the degree to which that has also affected my desire to read fic.