Failure at Teaching and A Core Memory in Therapy

[pennswoods]

I tried mediating what I thought was a racialized incident in my course. Over the past week, I spent 4-5 hours writing and rewriting emails to different parties involved. This is an asynchronous online class, so interaction is mostly in writing. I was very careful with my words and did not use racist, racism, microagression, etc. In the end, I don't think anyone was helped by my efforts. I don't think the student who felt shut down and raised the issue feels supported or like she is in a safe space for learning. I did not hear back from my colleague in Sweden whose student was also involved and who I reached out to for help. She said she would get back to me, but it's been a week now. I worry I angered her by accusing her student. I did hear back from my own other student who was involved and whose feelings were deeply hurt by what she perceived to be unjust accusations. She has shared that she has learned that she needs to be more cautious about small group interaction in future because she sees how easy it is to be cancelled. This is a sad outcome.

I know there is a better way to deal with this and I know that I did not do this well. I believed that no matter what words I chose, I would either be minimizing the experiences of someone to make someone else feel less bad or I would be alienating and hurting other students for misunderstanding them and allowing them to take the blame for what is starting to sound like a linguistic misunderstanding. I erred on the side of not minimizing the experience of the student who felt shut out. 

As a consequence, I worry I have really alienated people from this course and the profession by "taking sides" and stepping in to mediate something in the most clumsy way possible. I feel guilt and shame for unfairness and inadequacy at my job. I am dreading interacting with these students and this class now because I clearly handled this badly. I tried something I had never done before and I failed. I knew I would fail, but I also knew not doing anything would be failing in another way. 

Fear of failing paralyzes me. It is what is making it hard for me to write my book. (What if it sucks so much?) It's also why I don't like to speak Swedish in front of people or don't like trying new things with an audience. Trying and failing is humiliating. When I fail publicly, I feel shame for hours. 

This week I had my first official EMDR session with my therapist. We identified a core memory - it was not from the physical abuse. It was about an incident after a soccer match where my father expressed such disappointment and contempt for my poor playing. It is deeply tied to my fear of failure. Failure is not something I perceive of an opportunity for growth and improvement. Failure is very personal. It's associated with my worth and whether people will want to have me in their lives or keep me around. Who do I think I am to deserve love and attention and respect and money or a job or friends if I am just so incompetent. 

Comments

[clevermanka]

🫂

[pennswoods]

Thank you friend.

[mundungus42]

*massive hugs* I'm so glad you've tracked down the source of this awful phobia and persistent shame. Obviously, it's not going to go away overnight, but I do hope that it'll help knowing that this is coming from a hurt-child place. I know you' don't hold others to the impossibly high standards to which you hold yourself, and I hope you're able to extend yourself the same grace that you extend to your fellow humans, none of whom are perfect and free from failure. Wrapping you in a shame-proof blanket for the time being and oh so many hugs.

[pennswoods]

Thank you. I am hoping that therapy helps with some of this. My mental blocks really get in the way of so many things and I wish I didn't have to fight myself so much.

[drinkingcocoa]

Wowwwww your first EMDR session!

I tried EMDR with one therapist and she said in frustration that she couldn't get it work on me. Haven't tried again since. I'm so curious to find out if this will help you!

I'm so glad you got at something about your dad that was not about the physical abuse. There was a whole spectrum of damage and the abuse sucks up so much attention but it wasn't the only thing.

[pennswoods]

Yes. The first one! We should have started the week before but I was in a really bad mental place due to work stress. I was on the cusp of making the decision to resign as VP of faculty senate. I have now given notice. But we ended up talking about that so much that we pushed EMDR off until the next week.

On the one hand, it does not give me hope to hear that this did not work for you at all. On the other hand, you have very different responses to other things than I do so maybe this is a very good sign! (I'm think Myers-Briggs, COVID vaccine side-effects, stuff like that.)

Yeah, my dad really failed as a father in so many ways. Seeing how my friends parent is so eye-opening as to just how BAD. I'm glad for he parts of parenting he did much better at because that is what has given me the resources I need.

[drinkingcocoa]

Everyone else I know who's either practiced or received EMDR has reported good results! It might just be me!