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I tried mediating what I thought was a racialized incident in my course. Over the past week, I spent 4-5 hours writing and rewriting emails to different parties involved. This is an asynchronous online class, so interaction is mostly in writing. I was very careful with my words and did not use racist, racism, microagression, etc. In the end, I don't think anyone was helped by my efforts. I don't think the student who felt shut down and raised the issue feels supported or like she is in a safe space for learning. I did not hear back from my colleague in Sweden whose student was also involved and who I reached out to for help. She said she would get back to me, but it's been a week now. I worry I angered her by accusing her student. I did hear back from my own other student who was involved and whose feelings were deeply hurt by what she perceived to be unjust accusations. She has shared that she has learned that she needs to be more cautious about small group interaction in future because she sees how easy it is to be cancelled. This is a sad outcome.
I know there is a better way to deal with this and I know that I did not do this well. I believed that no matter what words I chose, I would either be minimizing the experiences of someone to make someone else feel less bad or I would be alienating and hurting other students for misunderstanding them and allowing them to take the blame for what is starting to sound like a linguistic misunderstanding. I erred on the side of not minimizing the experience of the student who felt shut out.
As a consequence, I worry I have really alienated people from this course and the profession by "taking sides" and stepping in to mediate something in the most clumsy way possible. I feel guilt and shame for unfairness and inadequacy at my job. I am dreading interacting with these students and this class now because I clearly handled this badly. I tried something I had never done before and I failed. I knew I would fail, but I also knew not doing anything would be failing in another way.
Fear of failing paralyzes me. It is what is making it hard for me to write my book. (What if it sucks so much?) It's also why I don't like to speak Swedish in front of people or don't like trying new things with an audience. Trying and failing is humiliating. When I fail publicly, I feel shame for hours.
This week I had my first official EMDR session with my therapist. We identified a core memory - it was not from the physical abuse. It was about an incident after a soccer match where my father expressed such disappointment and contempt for my poor playing. It is deeply tied to my fear of failure. Failure is not something I perceive of an opportunity for growth and improvement. Failure is very personal. It's associated with my worth and whether people will want to have me in their lives or keep me around. Who do I think I am to deserve love and attention and respect and money or a job or friends if I am just so incompetent.
I know there is a better way to deal with this and I know that I did not do this well. I believed that no matter what words I chose, I would either be minimizing the experiences of someone to make someone else feel less bad or I would be alienating and hurting other students for misunderstanding them and allowing them to take the blame for what is starting to sound like a linguistic misunderstanding. I erred on the side of not minimizing the experience of the student who felt shut out.
As a consequence, I worry I have really alienated people from this course and the profession by "taking sides" and stepping in to mediate something in the most clumsy way possible. I feel guilt and shame for unfairness and inadequacy at my job. I am dreading interacting with these students and this class now because I clearly handled this badly. I tried something I had never done before and I failed. I knew I would fail, but I also knew not doing anything would be failing in another way.
Fear of failing paralyzes me. It is what is making it hard for me to write my book. (What if it sucks so much?) It's also why I don't like to speak Swedish in front of people or don't like trying new things with an audience. Trying and failing is humiliating. When I fail publicly, I feel shame for hours.
This week I had my first official EMDR session with my therapist. We identified a core memory - it was not from the physical abuse. It was about an incident after a soccer match where my father expressed such disappointment and contempt for my poor playing. It is deeply tied to my fear of failure. Failure is not something I perceive of an opportunity for growth and improvement. Failure is very personal. It's associated with my worth and whether people will want to have me in their lives or keep me around. Who do I think I am to deserve love and attention and respect and money or a job or friends if I am just so incompetent.
