Absolute Meltdown - I am so ashamed
Jun. 3rd, 2025 01:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pennswoodsI had a literal meltdown at the conference last week and I am still full of shame about it. I shared the drama-rich story with my husband earlier today, but I am not sure how to put it in writing. I cringe with mortification thinking about how I acted and what I said to a friend who was trying to help me through it. I thought I was better than this, but no. At 52 years old, I still lose my shit in an embarrassing way when I feel stressed and emotionally overwhelmed over the most basic parts of my job. I think I apologized to my friend, but I am afraid I didn't do it entirely well. I shudder remembering a later interaction with her where I got emotional (not at her but in the telling of a story) and she covered her head and said in a desperate voice "Stop yelling at me." I yelled at her too when I was having my meltdown and she was just trying to help me. That is who I am to my friend - someone who yells at her.
I'm so ashamed.
Tomorrow I have therapy and I need to talk about this. I think these meltdowns happen when I am triggered. I think there are things that kick in my fight/flight response so hard that I cannot process any other input in a reasonable way until I let it out/explode and I need to find a way to identify these triggers and to step away before I explode publicly. And if I cannot step away because there is nowhere to go and well-intentioned people are following me in an effort to help, I need to find ways to ask for space in a firm but non-explosive way. And I need to practice, practice, practice this so I don't do this shit again.
I used to think this was because of alcohol and this is one reason why I would take time off from drinking for a month at a time. I believed the alcohol in my system was leading me to anger too easily. But while alcohol does lead to a lowering of inhibition, my meltdowns can happen when I am not drinking. They are being triggered by other things. My husband sees them all the time and I think they have become so normalized that I don't realize how toxic they are.
I really need to apologize to my friend.
I'm so ashamed.
Tomorrow I have therapy and I need to talk about this. I think these meltdowns happen when I am triggered. I think there are things that kick in my fight/flight response so hard that I cannot process any other input in a reasonable way until I let it out/explode and I need to find a way to identify these triggers and to step away before I explode publicly. And if I cannot step away because there is nowhere to go and well-intentioned people are following me in an effort to help, I need to find ways to ask for space in a firm but non-explosive way. And I need to practice, practice, practice this so I don't do this shit again.
I used to think this was because of alcohol and this is one reason why I would take time off from drinking for a month at a time. I believed the alcohol in my system was leading me to anger too easily. But while alcohol does lead to a lowering of inhibition, my meltdowns can happen when I am not drinking. They are being triggered by other things. My husband sees them all the time and I think they have become so normalized that I don't realize how toxic they are.
I really need to apologize to my friend.
