Absolute Meltdown - I am so ashamed

[pennswoods]

I had a literal meltdown at the conference last week and I am still full of shame about it. I shared the drama-rich story with my husband earlier today, but I am not sure how to put it in writing. I cringe with mortification thinking about how I acted and what I said to a friend who was trying to help me through it. I thought I was better than this, but no. At 52 years old, I still lose my shit in an embarrassing way when I feel stressed and emotionally overwhelmed over the most basic parts of my job. I think I apologized to my friend, but I am afraid I didn't do it entirely well. I shudder remembering a later interaction with her where I got emotional (not at her but in the telling of a story) and she covered her head and said in a desperate voice "Stop yelling at me."  I yelled at her too when I was having my meltdown and she was just trying to help me. That is who I am to my friend - someone who yells at her. 

I'm so ashamed.

Tomorrow I have therapy and I need to talk about this. I think these meltdowns happen when I am triggered. I think there are things that kick in my fight/flight response so hard that I cannot process any other input in a reasonable way until I let it out/explode and I need to find a way to identify these triggers and to step away before I explode publicly. And if I cannot step away because there is nowhere to go and well-intentioned people are following me in an effort to help, I need to find ways to ask for space in a firm but non-explosive way. And I need to practice, practice, practice this so I don't do this shit again. 

I used to think this was because of alcohol and this is one reason why I would take time off from drinking for a month at a time. I believed the alcohol in my system was leading me to anger too easily.  But while alcohol does lead to a lowering of inhibition, my meltdowns can happen when I am not drinking. They are being triggered by other things. My husband sees them all the time and I think they have become so normalized that I don't realize how toxic they are.

I really need to apologize to my friend. 

Comments

[pennswoods]

Your advice to talk to my therapist for language was so simple and so excellent. I did that today - just now. We also talked about ways to physically respond when I feel myself being triggered to take myself out of the moment: cold water, pinching myself, breathing (4-4-7). there are others but these are all ones that I could have used in the context where I was. This is something I need to practice.

I know that one of my triggers is when people do not respect my 'no'. In this case, I was too indirect with her and allowed her to stay to help (which she did in fact do - she pointed out a few things that helped me problem-solve) when I really needed to be alone to focus on my own needs without having to be mindful of someone else watching and waiting for me.

[mundungus42]

Oh, I'm so glad! My therapist did something similar for me when I was trying to figure out how much support I could give to the other folks when I and other members of my family were going through it. And YAY for strategies for interrupting the spiral!

*hugs* Again, it's good to know what triggered you, to know what you needed, and to think about how to do things differently going forward. I do hope you'll be able to let go of your shame over this incident. It'll still inform and motivate you, just with less pain and self-judgement.

More hugs and GO YOU! <3