Absolute Meltdown - I am so ashamed

[pennswoods]

I had a literal meltdown at the conference last week and I am still full of shame about it. I shared the drama-rich story with my husband earlier today, but I am not sure how to put it in writing. I cringe with mortification thinking about how I acted and what I said to a friend who was trying to help me through it. I thought I was better than this, but no. At 52 years old, I still lose my shit in an embarrassing way when I feel stressed and emotionally overwhelmed over the most basic parts of my job. I think I apologized to my friend, but I am afraid I didn't do it entirely well. I shudder remembering a later interaction with her where I got emotional (not at her but in the telling of a story) and she covered her head and said in a desperate voice "Stop yelling at me."  I yelled at her too when I was having my meltdown and she was just trying to help me. That is who I am to my friend - someone who yells at her. 

I'm so ashamed.

Tomorrow I have therapy and I need to talk about this. I think these meltdowns happen when I am triggered. I think there are things that kick in my fight/flight response so hard that I cannot process any other input in a reasonable way until I let it out/explode and I need to find a way to identify these triggers and to step away before I explode publicly. And if I cannot step away because there is nowhere to go and well-intentioned people are following me in an effort to help, I need to find ways to ask for space in a firm but non-explosive way. And I need to practice, practice, practice this so I don't do this shit again. 

I used to think this was because of alcohol and this is one reason why I would take time off from drinking for a month at a time. I believed the alcohol in my system was leading me to anger too easily.  But while alcohol does lead to a lowering of inhibition, my meltdowns can happen when I am not drinking. They are being triggered by other things. My husband sees them all the time and I think they have become so normalized that I don't realize how toxic they are.

I really need to apologize to my friend. 

Comments

[mundungus42]

*hugs*

*SO MANY HUGS*

Triggers from past trauma are so very real, and they mess with your brain in such a way that it's really, really, really hard to recognize and defuse a spiral the moment. You've already done the challenging work of recognizing that you were triggered and are going to address that in therapy. I'm confident you'll tackle this challenge with all your intellect and fierceness. It's a process, and I'm so impressed with you for taking it on.

Also? Please give yourself some compassion and grace for not reacting ideally in the middle of being triggered when your well-intended friend kept pushing you to allow her to help. If you want to attempt a better apology later, your therapist can probably give you some language to use. She felt in the moment that she knew what you needed better than she did, which led her to misjudg the situation badly, which had terrible results for both of you. Sometimes, a situation has no bad guys, and I think this is one of them.

Sending love and all the hugs.

[pennswoods]

Your advice to talk to my therapist for language was so simple and so excellent. I did that today - just now. We also talked about ways to physically respond when I feel myself being triggered to take myself out of the moment: cold water, pinching myself, breathing (4-4-7). there are others but these are all ones that I could have used in the context where I was. This is something I need to practice.

I know that one of my triggers is when people do not respect my 'no'. In this case, I was too indirect with her and allowed her to stay to help (which she did in fact do - she pointed out a few things that helped me problem-solve) when I really needed to be alone to focus on my own needs without having to be mindful of someone else watching and waiting for me.

[clevermanka]

Ooof, that sounds rough. I'm glad you were able to talk to someone today about it.

Re: apologies, are you familiar with Danya Ruttenberg's book on apologies? If you're not, here's an interview with her that lays out the basics.

[mundungus42]

Oh, I'm so glad! My therapist did something similar for me when I was trying to figure out how much support I could give to the other folks when I and other members of my family were going through it. And YAY for strategies for interrupting the spiral!

*hugs* Again, it's good to know what triggered you, to know what you needed, and to think about how to do things differently going forward. I do hope you'll be able to let go of your shame over this incident. It'll still inform and motivate you, just with less pain and self-judgement.

More hugs and GO YOU! <3

[pennswoods]

Thank you for this link! I am happy to report that I wrote and sent the apology to my friend. It took me about an hour to write and revise, but I did it entirely without the help of ChatGPT.

[clevermanka]

🥳🥳🥳