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pennswoods) wrote2023-06-29 10:19 am
pennswoods) wrote2023-06-29 10:19 am
Entry tags:
FIL & MIL Toxic Codependency
Last night when I got up to use the toilet, I saw a message from my MIL. She fled my FIL in November after reaching her limit with him. I think their relationship was one of deep codependency: his narcissism fed off her maleable nature for decades until she got a bout of COVID (yet again) and collapsed in a restaurant after my FIL (whose stroke last summer left him physically dependent upon her) continued driving her to exhaustion to do all the things he wanted done (lots of driving and legal errands to do with his schemes to fight with the bank).
My husband and SIL happened to have just arrived in Connecticut at the time she was going to the hospital and because my SIL was the first one to enter the hospital and join MIL, my MIL was able to get Remdesivir. FIL and my husband were forced to wait in the waiting room while MIL was treated. If my FIL had been first to join MIL, he would have forbidden her from getting Remdesivir because he does not believe in COVID treatments or vaccines. He is of course unvaccinated and has had COVID who knows how many times. He was ranting in the waiting room because he needed errands and wanted my husband to drive him around and to leave SIL and MIL there. My husband said no because they had no idea how bad off my MIL was. This was the breaking point for MIL - that her husband had driven her so hard that she had had a collapse, wound up in the hospital and he wanted to leave her there for who knows how long to do his crazy errands.
It was important to all of us that we help MIL escape and we three (myself included) played our parts. I do the travel arrangements for my husband and I and I made arrangements for us to spend several weeks in Sweden to help relocate MIL there back in January. SIL and my husband wanted to do it right away in November, but I pointed out that we needed to research the paperwork involved and were going to be hitting up against the bureacratic slowdown that comes before Christmas (everything shuts down) so it was important to wait until the new year when people were back. This was also during the semester break so we would not be missing our classes and meeting obligations at our jobs. I also located the apartment that my MIL moved into for her first 6 months in Sweden.
In all this time, MIL has been separated from FIL and does not know what is going on with him until FIL reached out via email. The worry we have now is because they are still legally married that MIL will intervene in the process to get FIL institutionalised. She has no idea how bad he is. He is bedridden. He refuses to accept reality. He needs to be changed 4 times a day by home care workers (paid for by the state). He is abusive and nasty when he does not get his way.
MIL does not have a strong will but she does not believe in institionalizing people, apparently. She also doesn't believe in planning for the future or being independent or doing anything proactive so she really has no solution. I hope that she does not interfere in this process. FIL is on the verge of homelessness and needs constant care. She cannot provide this care and she is living on the slimmest of margins herself. If she does try to take this on, it is clear that we will have to walk away and let her fail.
There is so much damage my FIL has caused and he continues to wreck havock even from his sickbed. We will not let him ruin our lives too.
My husband and SIL happened to have just arrived in Connecticut at the time she was going to the hospital and because my SIL was the first one to enter the hospital and join MIL, my MIL was able to get Remdesivir. FIL and my husband were forced to wait in the waiting room while MIL was treated. If my FIL had been first to join MIL, he would have forbidden her from getting Remdesivir because he does not believe in COVID treatments or vaccines. He is of course unvaccinated and has had COVID who knows how many times. He was ranting in the waiting room because he needed errands and wanted my husband to drive him around and to leave SIL and MIL there. My husband said no because they had no idea how bad off my MIL was. This was the breaking point for MIL - that her husband had driven her so hard that she had had a collapse, wound up in the hospital and he wanted to leave her there for who knows how long to do his crazy errands.
It was important to all of us that we help MIL escape and we three (myself included) played our parts. I do the travel arrangements for my husband and I and I made arrangements for us to spend several weeks in Sweden to help relocate MIL there back in January. SIL and my husband wanted to do it right away in November, but I pointed out that we needed to research the paperwork involved and were going to be hitting up against the bureacratic slowdown that comes before Christmas (everything shuts down) so it was important to wait until the new year when people were back. This was also during the semester break so we would not be missing our classes and meeting obligations at our jobs. I also located the apartment that my MIL moved into for her first 6 months in Sweden.
In all this time, MIL has been separated from FIL and does not know what is going on with him until FIL reached out via email. The worry we have now is because they are still legally married that MIL will intervene in the process to get FIL institutionalised. She has no idea how bad he is. He is bedridden. He refuses to accept reality. He needs to be changed 4 times a day by home care workers (paid for by the state). He is abusive and nasty when he does not get his way.
MIL does not have a strong will but she does not believe in institionalizing people, apparently. She also doesn't believe in planning for the future or being independent or doing anything proactive so she really has no solution. I hope that she does not interfere in this process. FIL is on the verge of homelessness and needs constant care. She cannot provide this care and she is living on the slimmest of margins herself. If she does try to take this on, it is clear that we will have to walk away and let her fail.
There is so much damage my FIL has caused and he continues to wreck havock even from his sickbed. We will not let him ruin our lives too.
no subject
My own mom recently went through this, and she made it three weeks of caring for my dad at home before she hit the wall and made the decision to put him into long-term care despite the objections of extended family (she called in neighbors to help). But the important thing is that despite those objections, she was at peace with the decision because she did her best but came to realize that he needed more care than a single person can provide.
Sending hugs and love and deep, deep empathy.
no subject
The good news is that MIL doesn't really have the force of will to try and take on my father's care on her own. I think she just expects someone else to and is objecting to hospitalization because it sounds scary. It is scary. But FIL is does not inhabit the same reality. Just today he emailed my husband to complain that he's just about to win a court case in Bangladesh work over $100,000,000 and SIL is trying to institutionalize him. He has been housbound in Sweden since January and has never been to Bangladesh but he probably believes this story.