Professor of Sherlockology and Advanced Snape Studies

Comparing Sherlock and Heated Rivalry Fanfic

Sat, 23 May 2026 20:02:50 GMT

I just read through some recs on the reddit sub r/heatedrivalryfic which is where I am finding a lot of good recs (also on Instagram). I bookmarked a handful I would like to add to my To Read list before heading out on my short run and I started thinking about the tropes that are in HR fic that I didn't see in Sherlock fic. Some of this is a reflection of the story - Sherlock included more casefic than I've come across in HR. There's also a lot more high school or university AU in Sherlock. It's not that this does not exist in HR, but the characters start off as teenagers, so it's not as much of a stretch.

HR also does a lot of canon divergence at certain focal points as a way to explore the characters breaking up and working their way back together under different conditions. This makes sense in light of the fact that HR is a romance and Sherlock was NOT. For instance, a trope I've come across multiple times now involves a time loop where the characters relive a specific day (just like in Groundhog Day) until they get it right. I've read two really good examples that booth introduce a time loop right after the tuna melt scenario. Another trope involves a plane crash - this also reflects the fact that there is a plane situation in one of the later books in the series that I think is inspiring fic writers. I don't think I've come across a plane crash story in either Harry Potter or Sherlock fanfiction.

One really fun well-done HR canon divergence was an AU that basically had a zombie apocalypse beginning after one pivotal scene in Las Vegas. I really loved this fic because it was deeply psychological but light on the zombies and gore. At heart, one of the major plot points concerned Shane's fear of coming out and the repercussions this would have - basically it took the fall of civilization for him to come out of the closet. While this sounds funny to write down, it is so deeply sad. The fanfic makes a point that a society so toxic and damaging needed to make way for a better one, and a zombie apocalypse offered a do-over to build back better and more accepting.

When I think about what I am reading right now, I realized that a common theme across all the novel-length fanfic is the pain and damage of homophobia on Shane and/or Ilya. That is really the central conflict of Heated Rivalry and The Long Game (the two books that follow Shane and Ilya) and it is present in some way in so much of the HR fic. It leaves me feeling bittersweet and a bit melancholy

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Stress, Escapism, and Fanfiction

Sat, 23 May 2026 19:03:19 GMT

Yesterday my PhD student had her proposal hearing. It went fine and she has a lot of work today. Afterwards I was so exhausted. I had been anxious about how she would do and I was a little justified in this. Her committee is large (5 people) and they all want different things from her, including some theories that I am not up to leading her through. I also felt like I had not pushed her enough or modeled well enough for her certain approaches to data analysis, and that this was something the committee was critical of. However, I also have to remember that everything is not on me - I am the supervisor and I can guide a student, but they have to do the work and thinking.

When I got home, I lay down because I felt so exhausted, but I couldn't rest. My heart was racing and I felt like I could not catch my breath. Eventually I went for a run (9km or about 5.5 miles) in the misty rain. I felt calmer and like I could breathe again after my run. I think the rhythmic pounding of running helps calm me sometimes, especially when I am running slowly.

I realize what I am feeling is stress. I feel overwhelmed with it almost. Classes have just finished and I am almost done with grading, but I have to wait for one more paper to come in for a student I granted an extension to. I am teaching a summer class for the first time in 15 years, and that begins on Monday. We are also leaving for Sweden in a week and there is so much to do before then including early voting by mail - despite the fact that there has been a fuck-up with the Maryland ballots.

I am also overseeing a lot of details for the conference that my organization is holding in Cyprus from 4-5 June. The attacks on Iran have really fucked up organizing and I hope that there is nothing new going on in the area that will destroy all that work. Nevertheless, as President, I have to do a lot of glad-handing, speechifying, and award giving. I am also doing a poster session on a small study that I have not even begun! I have no fucking clue when I am going to get that done. The past two weeks and next week have also been full of medical appointments that I like to schedule when classes end and before travel begins, so there's been a lot of interruption in work.

And on top of this, we learned this week that my FIL is not doing well. He is barely eating and the people at the assisted care facility called my husband to let him know that if he stops eating entirely, he won't last long. I think it's clear that my FIL will not make it through the summer and there is a very real possibility that he may die before we even travel. My husband wants me to help him and be there if his father does die in the next week, and that would mean pulling out of the conference. I don't know who will cover my tasks and I need to prepare for this contingency. There is also the possibility that my FIL will die when my husband and I are on the Camino in Spain and we'll have to come back from that and cancel all those plans - which is also something I have been spending a lot of time scheduling and researching.

My racing heart and inability to take a nap yesterday are part of this stress. I recognize that I am also using fanfiction as an escape right now. There is a lot of really good novel-length Heated Rivalry fanfiction full of longing, broken hearts, and misunderstandings due to immaturity and fear of social consequences. The tropes are so very different from what I was used to in the Sherlock fandom, and my Ao3 "to read" bookmarks are exploding. I am really enjoying the fic, but it is reminding me of the last time I fell deeply into fic during my early Sherlock fandom days. I am so surprised it's happening again. I love having a fandom again. I enjoy the feelings these really good stories are invoking in me, but I'm surprised. I thought this was in my past. In fact, I thought my reaction to fanfiction of the past was because of something going on in my life at the time that is not going on now. I am disappointed to learn that I am wrong. My hope is that when the stress abates in a few weeks that I will feel less drawn to the many various ways Shane and Ilya can be torn apart and find their way back to each other.

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Reheating and Fangirling

Thu, 23 Apr 2026 15:06:20 GMT

I still haven't viewed the Heated Rivalry television series but I have seen LOTS of fan edits and I have read every book in the Game Changers series, including the ones I didn't like as much just so I would have the full backstory. Heated Rivalry and Role Model have become comfort reads - I think I've read each about 4-5 times. The Long Game is a little more bittersweet so I haven't read that as much, but I cherish it. I have also been reading more fic - I particularly like the hilarious stuff where Ilya is being a charming asshole via text.

The other day I found myself imagining what Ilya and Shane would look like as little boys in their hockey gear and I wanted to draw them. I have not, but I have developed a sudden interest in learning facts about hockey. It's Stanley Cup time too...

I'm officially fangirling and I like it.

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Coming October 2026 - MY FUCKING MAGNUM OPUS

Mon, 20 Apr 2026 22:30:48 GMT

If you follow any of my other social media, you will have seen this, but my book has a publication date of October 2026. I am going to promote the shit out of it when it's here. I'm also REALLY happy that my cover includes one of the photos I took during my Sherlock days and is an actual example of my fan practice.

This book is not only full of research and teaching ideas, but it also includes some of my own stuff, including a few #setlock photos (in Chapter 4) and my own fanfic (Chapter 1 begins with a Harry Potter Drabble I wrote in response to the Virginia Tech Shooting - yes, I start my book by talking about a school shooting). Chapter 3 is more uplifting and explores research on fan practices for learning different languages, with a particular emphasis on research on Kpop and Kdrama fans and their Korean language learning. There is also a lot of love in this book for Sweden and my former students and colleagues at Malmö University, where I developed the Fanfiction Project over 6 years (2013-21018) - Chapter 5 investigates students' language awareness by analyzing nearly 400 reflection papers written by the students who wrote fanfiction for me during that time.

And also, Chapter 7, is going to be open access. That's the chapter that contains teaching materials and advice for teachers who want to bring fanfiction into their classrooms. I know that internationally teachers do not have USD $50 to spend on a book like this, but I believe so much in the use of fanfiction as a tool to support language and literacy learning that I wanted to make sure as many people as possible could get their hands on it. It costs about $1900 to make a chapter fully open access and I am fortunate enough to have gotten access to a small fund to spend for this. Thank you to the (soon to be) UMBC School of Education and its TESOL Program for making this possible.

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Artemis 2

Mon, 06 Apr 2026 12:52:35 GMT

Today's the big day for the moon flyby. On the one hand, I had how much the Assclown in chief's dramatics overshadow everything else. On the other hand, I love that there is this cool other stuff the US (and Canada) is also doing to focus on instead. I also love that every single crew member is Gen X (1970s babies), my generation. I am looking forward to following them the rest of the way and that they make it back safely.

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Squee

Sat, 04 Apr 2026 18:48:12 GMT

This is now an Ilya Rozanov stan account.

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Fannish Thoughts - Heated Potter

Wed, 25 Mar 2026 20:34:02 GMT

I started reading the Heated Rivalry a few weeks back and wasn't feeling it. But I started watching short videos from the television series as I got further into the story and it's started to sink in. The novel itself is reminding me of really good Johnlock fanfic and I mean that as the highest compliment. I know there are a bunch of other books in the series but I have started hunting down fanfic. I am more invested in the revisiting the romance of Hollander and Rosanov than I have been in any romance, including any of the Bridgerton Stories.

I need to post some more about Bridgerton because the series 5 couple just dropped. I knew this was going to be the one.

Also just dropping is the first trailer for the Harry Potter TV series, and even if JKR wasn't a huge goddamn bigot, I still would not have liked the trailer. First and foremost - not enough Snape. Second - the lighting is rubbish which also makes it harder to see Snape! Third, this is a MUCH darker introduction to Harry's story. The whole series is deals with dark themes and war eventually, but it the first several books foreground a lot of Harry's wonder and discovery and that is played down in this trailer which is going for some Game of Thrones level of lighting here. Fourth, it feels like a lesser imitation of the movies. This is partially my own bias because I am familiar with Dan, Rupert and Emma as the trio and this new set of kids look wrong. But also, it's not that unique. The guy playing Hagrid is wearing Hagrid's clothes but his voice and dialect are not nearly as gruff and distinct as Robbie Coltrane's.

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Some Observations

Thu, 12 Feb 2026 02:27:59 GMT

I attended a community event at my bookstore last night. I am now registered to take part in 3 hours of online training tomorrow in support of immigrant communities. I am also pursuing involvement in the midterm elections in Maryland. I am looking at two possible options - the first is as a voter registration volunteer. The second is as a challenge or watcher at the polls. Both require training and approval from a local election board. I will unfortunately be in Europe when the primaries are held in June but I am clearing my calendar for the fall election to be available for early voting and day of voting. I am trying to think of where I would be the most use.

In order to make room in my life for civic engagement, I have already said no to two things: (1) to serve as an examiner for a dissertation defense in October in Sweden in an area not directly related to my research. This would be online, but again, the defense is scheduled the week before the election and if there is early voting, I want to be maximally available. And (2) to review an article this month - it is a re-review which means I did not see this the first time around. I said no because I am saying no to all reviews until I finish my damn book and also because the 4.5 hours I am going to spend on civic engagement this week is coming out of stuff like reviewing for free.

Today felt tough and it was only in the late afternoon when I began fantasizing about how I would kill and disembowel Bondi that I realized I was being triggered by her theatrics. As a survivor of child sexual abuse, the disrespect and disregard shown the survivors of the Trump/Epstein class while the perpetrators are protected and shielded by incredibly foolish women reminds me a lot of my mother.

Women who work so hard to protect sex traffickers and pedophiles are so broken and gross.

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Getting Better at Saying No

Wed, 04 Feb 2026 14:25:54 GMT

I still struggle a lot with this at times, but I am getting better. There have been several administrative situation where someone has asked something - sometimes it is reasonable and sometimes it is ridiculous - and I have been able to say no without getting mad or frustrated. I am used to feeling overwhelmed by requests for my time and attention and the fear that people will not accept my no and try to negotiate. But I have said no several times now and each time feels better than the last.

There is a thing about academia where we are constantly socialized into bending over backwards, giving others the benefit of the doubt, meeting others where they are at, lifting others up, mentoring the younger and new, giving of ourselves and giving back to the community or we are not being a good citizen and not doing our jobs. While there is place for this - it does lead to a culture of expectation that you must not say no to others. This attitude has been paralyzing. This attitude leads to a lot of extra work and often means that other parts of your job that you are supposed to do (like publish your own research) or other parts of your life that you are supposed to look after (getting enough sleep, eating well, looking at things other than a computer screen) get pushed aside to fulfill someone else's needs or to fill in for someone else who is not doing their job.

Being able to say no is a wonderful thing and I am going to do it more.

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Rowling and Epstein

Sun, 01 Feb 2026 23:12:50 GMT

So JKR got a mention in the latest dump of the Epstein files. It appears his publicist was in touch with her collaborators/publicity team about getting Epstein an invite to attend the Broadway Premiere and special dinner of Cursed Child. This was in April 2018. As you recall, Epstein was convicted for child prostitution in 2008. This is so gross.

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HRT Update - Evidence it's Helping

Mon, 19 Jan 2026 19:17:25 GMT

This is going to be a positive post to offer distraction to myself and others.

I met with my therapist last week and despite EVERYTHING going on domestically and internationally, the general doldrums of January, and dealing with the memorial session for my colleague who passed away shortly before Christmas, we discussed how much I am feeling okay. I mean I feel emotions, but I am not overwhelmed by my feelings to the point that I can't do anything all day. I think this is the birth control pill (what I am taking for hormone replacement during perimenopause) doing its work at stabilizing my estrogen so I can regulate my emotions.

My husband has also observed that I don't need to keep adjusting the temperature to be colder, so this is a sign of better temperature regulation. I didn't have a lot of hot flashes, but I was generally much more sensitive to heat and really needed to adjust the temperature down so I could sleep. I am not doing this at all and sometimes even crank up the heat a little if I am cold.

Speaking of sleep, I am not waking in the middle of the night. And I am not waking up to sour-smelling, sweaty pajamas and t-shirts so the nigh sweats have disappeared. That is huge and important because disrupted sleep is terrible for dealing with fascism and life in general.

I also don't smell as bad when I sweat when I work out. After my runs, I had noticed my crotch giving off a really sour/foul smell that is just gone now.

All this is to say, using the birth control pill for the past 7 weeks is working for addressing my perimenopause symptoms. I note absolutely no negative side-effects. No weight gain, no digestive issues, no breast tenderness, no weird moods.

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Wisdom from my mother in law's conservator

Tue, 06 Jan 2026 11:59:46 GMT

Ever since my mother in law had a stroke in autumn 2024, she's lost the ability to plan, make decisions, and even write full coherent sentences. She is ripe for being exploited by those who try to financially rip off the elderly. My husband and his sister were able to convince her to agree to the equivalent of a conservator in Sweden, who helps protect her financially and can advocate for her. The Swedish word for this is gudman. My MIL's gudman is a woman of similar age named Jeanette who is originally from France. I really like her and she is a staunch advocate for my mother in law.

She visited my MIL's apartment yesterday for a regular appointment and told my husband that she really appreciates how sweet and kind he and his sister are to actually be looking out for their mother. Some of her elderly clients have children who are abusive or who are trying to swindle their own parents to take their money.

Chalk this up to another reason why having children is not a guarantee you won't die alone in old age.

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The Decline of a Narcissist

Mon, 05 Jan 2026 09:57:22 GMT

This is a story about how getting married and having children does not guarantee you won't end up alone and lonely at the end of your life.

I spent the past few days with my mother in law in southern Sweden while my husband went to visit his father in central Sweden. I have not seen his father since fall 2022, when I learned he had beat my mother in law. She hasn't seen him since about the same time either when she finally decided to flee him and move to the region of Sweden where she grew up. As of summer 2025, she is now divorced from him - this was facilitated by the fact that divorcing in Sweden when there are no minor children or shared assets and people live apart for a while is really pro-forma. My husband and sister-in-law got her to sign the paperwork to divorce this summer, and at 76 years old, she is a free woman. Her life is not all sunshine and roses and in many ways, watching her age is encouraging me to make different life choices so I don't wind up like her. However, she is doing so MUCH better than my father in law.

He is a narcissist with a lot of mental health issues and an overwhelming fear and mistrust of medicine and doctors. Since the summer, he has been in decline and is clearly depressed. But he refuses all medication and any physical therapy. He lives in an assisted living facility and is deathly afraid of falling so he spends most of his day in bed and is too afraid to walk to the toilet so he pees in one of those pee bottles. He did have a stumble on his way to the bathroom earlier this year that exacerbated this fear. He also has his own personal wheelchair which my sister in law bought as a way to bring him from the US to Sweden in early 2023 when he was really ailing. He spends most of his days in bed in the dark - not even watching TV. He does text a sort of girlfriend (someone my age) on a daily basis with his grandiose ideas about escaping to France where he will live in a mansion and have servants waiting on him. His lying in bed and terrible diet means he is losing strength and cannot get up by himself to pee in the bottle and needs the homecare workers to come help him to his feet.

His mental illness means he is deluded into thinking he has a lot of money coming to him from the sale of his home in Connecticut and that he is a millionaire. In truth, the house was foreclosed upon a few years ago, and resold by the bank. All his items were thrown out with only a little that his children rescued and put in storage, that is now costing them $300 a month. I know this because I helped my husband downsize the storage unit just before Christmas where we threw away 12 trash bags of absolute garbage (old magazines, used napkins and cups, trade show schwag from 10-30 years ago) that my father in law had boxed up and kept in the house. He cannot accept this is true and continues to live in his own imagined reality that he is a rich man being thwarted by the system. He cannot understand why his wife left him and absolutely refuses to see that he did anything wrong by hitting her because, after all, she was annoying him and not doing what he wanted her to do. He entertains himself sometimes by making the healthcare workers move things around for them and telling bullshit stories about his life. He can be very charming when he wants to be, but his charm has faded along with his strength and he instead spends his days in a kind of sensory deprivation so he can avoid his reality. This thinking is a lifetime of untreated mental illness and the indulgence of his narcissism.

When my husband visited, it took a while for my father in law to warm up, but he did eventually and they were able to reminisce about old times. I am glad for my husband for this - this man is his father and there is love. One thing my husband likes to do is to take his dad out to restaurants to eat since he cannot do this on his own in his wheelchair. But my father in law has become too weak to sit in a wheelchair. He has an arm that was affected by a stroke a few years ago that is tight and painful and has only gotten weaker and worse due to lack of movement and a refusal to do physical therapy. As a result, sitting in the wheelchair is painful for him, so instead of going out, my husband ordered food and had it delivered. Bad snow hitting parts of Sweden this weekend meant my husband's return train was cancelled, so he had to cut his trip short to return home.

I think my husband visiting may have been good for my father in law for a little while, but it will not change the state of things. The healthcare workers have said that he is making his own health worse, but under Swedish law, they cannot force medication or treatment on him. I really do wonder if my father in law will make it through this year. He is 75 and will be 76 in February. I have been thinking of how I will support my husband because I know this will devastate him. My deeper worry is that my mother in law will also pass soon. (I will deal with that when and if it happens, but I have started to prepare.)

The part of me that feels anger and injustice for my father in law's treatment of my mother in law and the many other things he has done to hurt people throughout his life is watching this man's decay with a sense of detachment and curiosity. Aside from the once or twice a year visit from his son who lives in another country, my father in law is dying alone. This is the manifestation of the threat I see being shouted at younger straight women on social media who are not married or who divorce - that they will regret their choice to not lower their standards and tether themself to a man and have children with him. Except here is a man who did marry and did have children, but because of how he treated them and the choices he made through his entire life (and the choices he continues to make to reject all medical care and treatment), he is the one actively dying alone.

I want to reassure those women not to lower their standards and not to force themselves to endure a lifetime of mistreatment and injustice and disrespect and abuse from a partner just to avoid dying alone because there is no guarantee they won't also die alone anyway.

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Christmas Whirlwind and Now Quiet in Sweden

Sat, 27 Dec 2025 07:56:01 GMT

Hello from Sweden. We flew on Christmas night and arrived yesterday to a bit of chaos at my MIL's home. She'd had an accident and we needed to call the home care team to help - there's an emergency number for that, but she refuses to call it out of pride or self-consciousness. My husband called it and the team cam swiftly and helped clean up in a professional and respectful (to my perspective) way.

Our arrival yesterday came on the heels of a really busy week or so. I returned from Spain on 14 December, my friend and vice president of the organization I am president of, passed away on Monday, 15 December and the next several days were a whirlwind of condolences, me getting sick, and logistics. My husband and I were meant to travel to Connecticut on the morning of the 19th for a few days but with pivoted to driving up on the night of the 18th to miss the storms expected the next day. We then spent through the 22nd (with a day trip to NYC) dealing with his family's storage locker in Connecticut. We were able to get rid of enough stuff to downsize to a smaller locker. He did most of the work, but I did plenty as well - it was tedious and hard and boring. We arrived back home shortly before midnight on the 22nd and spent the 23-24th preparing for travel and Christmas. Among the items we rescued from storage was my mother-in-law's spinning wheel.

We had decided to disassemble it and bring it with us to Sweden as a surprise for my mother in law. It's awkwardly sized, but it turned out that when booking our tickets to fly on Christmas Day, the premiere seats (which come with two checked bags per passenger) was only slightly more than the regular economy tickets. My husband got his mother's spinning wheel and a few other small items for dealing with wool, boxed professionally by the UPS store and we checked it at no extra charge. It arrived just fine and my MIL had tears in her eyes opening it. We are now on a quest to get her more wool so she will have it to spin with through the winter.

We're here through the 8th and while I will be running and visiting with friends, I have plans to get back to work on my book, which I have not touched these past few weeks. It's peaceful here - perhaps too quiet (aside from my husband and MIL arguing with each other), so I am hoping to use the lack of meetings and urgent emails these next few days to do the thinking and planning I need to. I am looking forward to a little bit of quiet.

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Upheaval and Holding Steady

Thu, 18 Dec 2025 11:42:00 GMT

This post has to do with perimenopause, HRT, and dealing with life in midlife. In my last post I wrote about being in Spain last week. I returned to the US Sunday night. On Monday afternoon, I received messages and a call informing me that the past-president and current vice president of the European organization I am president of died. She had been in the ICU the previous week and those of us who knew expected this, but it was still hard. She was just 53 and had been dealing with difficult physical and mental health issues for years.

My thoughts on death mean I am relieved for her that she is at peace now. But I know that she touched many people and there will be a lot of grieving. As mutual friend put it, I need to lead the institution in mourning her. The past two days therefore have been a flurry of emails, drafting of statements, eulogies, messages of condolence. There has also been a lot of coordination and managing people. Another mutual friend was texting me to hurry up and get our message out first - I told him to chill and reminded him that we are not wikipedia. We don't need to be first - we need to offer comfort and respect and that is hard when people are grieving.

I ended up sick on Tuesday and spent a good chuck of the day in bed in between drafting condolences.

One of our members suggested a memorial session held on zoom - because of timezone and work differences, we had to pick a time that worked for those of us leading it. Other people in organizations our VP was on the board of also want to take part so I am reaching out with personal invites - many want us to change the time, but this would then exclude our members who are hosting it and have to teach. We created a form where people could RSVP for the zoom session or leave a message for the memory wall (pallet). Some have contacted me about the ability to change the form to upload photos. There are a number of logistical issues around this that led me to eliminate this option while we were drafting our announcement (e.g. we cannot host images on our google drive from people with external accounts due to our security settings; people would have to add links to photos already online somewhere which would require us to hunt them down to add; I don't know how much manpower we have for this and people are grieving). I had to explain kindly that we appreciated the suggestion and considered it but I/we could not guarantee we could keep on top of the images and did not want things to get lost.

In other words, I am engaging in a lot of diplomacy right now around people who are also grieving.

What does this have to do with perimenopause? One of my symptoms has been absolute pure rage when I am frustrated or stressed by unjust or unreasonable requests and pushy people. A few weeks ago, I met with my doctor and based on bloodwork and my symptoms, she decided to try me on birth control pills, which deliver a steady and regular does of estrogen and then progesterone on a cycle. I wasn't sure if it was having an effect, but the fact that I have not felt extreme rage or anxiety during what logically could be called a crisis in my organization suggests that this may be working.

Despite the upheaval, the jet lag, being sick on Tuesday, I am holding steady.

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An Act of Resistance

Mon, 15 Dec 2025 15:10:28 GMT

Last week, I had the opportunity to actually do something that felt good, meaningful, and empowering - I (and two other US-based university professors) had the opportunity to share our experiences under the current US administration and to share stories of challenge and resistance with nearly 100 European student teachers and teacher educators.

This was a last minute panel discussion that was added to the weeklong in-person portion of a Blended Intensive Program (groups of students from different European countries collaborate virtually for weeks and then come together in person to finalize a product). This panel discussion was the inspiration of the Spain-based co-organizer of the Blended Intensive Program (BIP) who follows US politics closely and was immensely grateful that three of us traveled from the US to take part as content experts that week. He thought it would be powerful for the teacher candidates (all undergraduates) and other teacher educators to hear firsthand what it has been like under this administration and what this means for teacher education, research, etc. We three US-based participants agreed and then generated the questions we would like to be used in the panel to make sure our discussions were focused and kept us from wandering down emotional paths. We joked that we needed this to make sure we didn't cry (none of us cried) but I was especially worried I might go off on a rant or wander into doomerism, which is no good for anyone.

We began the panel by highlighting that we each came from a different institution from a different entity in the country and that this really mediated our experiences. This included a red state, a blue state (Maryland), and a non-state entity with no congressional representation. Our universities included a flagship state university, a regional state university (University of Maryland, Baltimore County), and a private university. We were also involved in different aspects of teacher education including foreign language education (Spanish), linguistics education for both education and non-education students, and pre- and provisionally licensed teachers for teaching English to speakers of other languages (TESOL) which predominantly serves immigrants and refugees (this is me).

Some examples of what was shared: my red state colleagues explained how her university had to change the name of it office for diversity and inclusion to the office for belonging. Both of my colleagues had had recently awarded grants (one on open access materials development and another on K-12 teacher education) completely shut down while in progress or cancelled before the projects could begin. I shared that my blue state was resisting like hell and that included going through the courts on the issue of whether universities had to get rid of diversity and inclusion in the mission and materials. I have not had to remove diversity and inclusion from my courses yet and we are still doing as much diversity and inclusion work as possible.

My examples of how this has affected my teaching and my students was more grim. My students' pupils are the ones who are being targeted by ICE and I shared examples my students and former students have brought to me: disappearing students from classes as families leave communities or pull children from school and the resulting sadness, fear and trauma of those left behind not knowing. An alumni from Nebraska who works in adult ESL education shared with me that they incorporated new teaching activities to help their students generate a plan for for their children if they (the parents) are abducted by ICE - in other words, who will pick the children up from school, who will feed them, and take them in. I also shared what I am trying to do - it is not much - but it is more than nothing. This includes attending training (offered by my university) on how to support undocumented students and sharing those resources in my classes, also attending a bystander intervention training workshop on ways to intervene to support immigrant communities and individuals. I also shared increase focus on trauma-informed teaching in some of my classes too.

We were asked several questions by students and colleagues including why we though this was happening and how long we though this would last. This is where I didn't want to spread my deepest fears - I worry a lot but I also know that my worry can be too extreme and unhelpful. I also thought a lot about what I have read by African-American and Queer activists in online spaces who are often frustrated by the panic of white people or the newly aware. So I channeled their thoughts: authoritarianism has happened before and it will happen again. I don't know how long it will last but as long as it does there will be resistance. That the US has a history of horrific mistreatment of people but also an equal history of resistance. I specifically mentioned slavery and the resistance of the enslaved,

Afterward and for the remainder of the week, different people came up to us to express appreciation for our stories and talking to them about this. Some had been to the US before and felt connected to it, others had family there (like on woman from Finland whose family was originally from the Philippines, half of whom had moved to the US), still others only knew what they saw or read online and in the news which often presents a superficial or sensational overview of the state of the US. They are not hearing the stories of resistance or how people are surviving this or what this might mean or the future of education in the US.

I'm making much of this because it was a really validating experience and because I know I am not doing enough. This was something though - it felt like an act of resistance to speak out and to share our stories and to share some hope too. I don't know what the coming year will bring regarding the ability to travel to Europe or my ability to afford travel, so I am glad I had the opportunity to travel and to share my experiences this year.

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Thanksgiving

Thu, 27 Nov 2025 19:11:31 GMT

A year ago, a dear friend escaped from a fire. She survived due to her own resourcefulness and strength and spent a long time in recovery and rehabilitation, but she is alive and creatively kicking ass. I have a lot of things to be thankful for, but this is at the top of my list.

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Gratitude

Sun, 23 Nov 2025 16:02:32 GMT

I am really thankful for my body and what it does for me. I'm struggling with aging, which is just a part of life. Aging and death happens to all of us no matter how amazing our bodies are. But my body is doing a wonderful job. It is a middle aged body, but that just means it's been holding me together for more than half a century while I have my adventures and nourish or don't nourish it well.

On Tuesday, I have my annual and will be having my bloodwork done. In anticipation, I've been concentrating on upping my fiber these past three weeks while also trying to eat enough protein and not overeat. It's hard to be so conscious of what I put in my mouth while also trying to manage my other life obligations and needs. It probably won't make a difference - I anticipate high cholesterol and maybe even blood sugar issues common with perimenopause. I need to schedule in time on Monday to plan my argument for HRT because I think that will help my body during this time of transition. It's something I've been thinking about for a while to help with things that lots of women experience when estrogen drops:

-Cholesterol levels (I recently learned why - cholesterol is a building block for estrogen so when the body makes less estrogen, cholesterol levels naturally rise, leading to a host of cholesterol related issues.)
-Tendon and joint issues
-Memory issues
-Sleep issues
-Temperature regulation issues which feed into sleep issues
-Emotional regulation including rage and anxiety
-Increased inflammation (which makes recovery from exercise harder and prolongs tendon and joint issues also affecting exercise)
-Increased rate of muscle and bone loss (we all go through this as we age but during perimenopause, the rate increases)

Despite all this chaos, I am grateful for my body. It still lets me run. It still protects me from diseases and heals when I do too much and injure myself.

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This week was better than last

Sun, 16 Nov 2025 15:14:29 GMT

First, I got a lot more writing done on my book. The difficult chapter is not done yet but I am getting closer. I had to put in an interlibrary loan request for a book and an article I need to cite for the final portion and the book has now come in. First I have to read part of the book that's relevant. There's another book I was considering putting in a request for, but I think this will be enough.

I slept better this week though there were still a few middle of the night wakings with dread and anxiety. One of them was the thought that those of us with degrees and training and years of experience are going to find ourselves as a new servant class. AI will be used to replace our white collar and thought work and we will be left with the physical tasks. Door-dash and Uber still rely on humans to do the driving.

What made this week even better was the chaos around the Epstein files and the knowledge that as a result, Donald was definitely having a much worse week than me. I have enjoyed the hell out of the memes and jokes. And yes, there is fanfiction on Ao3 - a veritiable explosion of Political RPF. The tags and titles are hilarious. The nickname Megyn "R." Kelly is also giving me a good chuckle.

There are a few on Bluesky wringing their hands over this, worried that this kind of circus will overshadow or take away from a moral reckoning. This is a naive position. There is not going to be some judicious moral reckoning that is pure and above reproach. There might not ever be a moral reckoning. But this hilarity and mocking serves the function of building fear in the hearts of such actors who think they are all powerful and above reproach. They look foolish and silly and the more they protest, the more absurd the response is going to be.

Anyway, I love how so much how Donalds' Big Beautiful Bill has been reappropriated into something else that is always going to make a lot of people laugh at him.

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Made it Through Last Week

Tue, 11 Nov 2025 13:32:58 GMT

Last week was a hard week that included an 8 hour morning workshop split across two mornings on Monday and Wednesday, grading, feedback on a student MA thesis, advising students for spring registration which entailed a lot of problem-solving, a Friday late morning-early afternoon workshop I volunteered for to be a good citizen at my uni, the state conference which we hosted all day Saturday (from 7:00-5:00) and my husband's 50th birthday on Sunday which required a lot of extra logistics to arrange due to it being on a Sunday and us being occupied all day Saturday. This was on top of my regular teaching and meeting workload.

Not a lot of writing got done on my book at all. I think I managed to squeeze in an hour on Monday.

I had trouble sleeping most nights last week and even had nightmares the Saturday before it all kicked off. I awoke several times with a crushing ball of anxiety and dread in my stomach based on the fear of dropping balls and absolute guilt over my book. I haven't had that degree of anxiety in a while and my period ended up starting at the end of the week suggestion that some of the awful crushing anxiety was being exacerbated by hormones.

But I made it through the week and I did not really drop balls. The main casualties were grading, which is not fully finished, zero strength training, which I put aside because I could not fit in time for the extra exercise (I did do my running because I absolutely needed to get outside and off my computer), less feedback for my MA student than she needed, and of course my book.

There were moments of high stress where I really was not my best self. I was talking to my therapist about that. I also recognize that my anxiety is heavily driven by this fear of failure and perfectionism and all sorts of false beliefs. We talked about it yesterday - I believe things will fall or succeed because of me and that it's my responsibility. We're going to try some EMDR to reprogram this core belief because it really does hold me back and slow me down.

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Stress, Running, and Online Conspiracy Nonsense

Fri, 31 Oct 2025 21:00:37 GMT

I woke up at 5:00 today to begin working on advising stuff. There are a handful of tricky student issues that I have to deal with and I was too tired after I finished teaching and meeting with a failing student afterward to work on this at 20:00 last night. I had my tasks planned out but after a stressful outburst from my husband regarding the upcoming state teaching conference our department is hosting and yet another task he realized hadn't gotten done yet, my to-do list got longer. I'm moving through most of my tasks to get done by 18.00 so we can drive up to PA for a Halloween party hosted by a new friend of his from the Ren Faire. This means of course, I will not get to my book today.

I am glad to have moved through some of these big tasks, but when I went for an easy run today my heart rate was pushing into the high numbers. That is either a sign that I am getting sick or that the stress is getting to me. I think the latter. Next week is going to be a shitshow and I just have to make it through Sunday the 9th, which is my husband's birthday. I am not sure what we will do that day. When he is not happy with his weight, he does not want to eat out and he is extremely unhappy with his weight today. I think we'll try to see a movie because that does not involve food and it is fun to go out on his birthday.

The think I am using to distract me between all the tasks is the latest political conspiracy nonsense my instagram algorithm has been feeding me. There is speculation that something is going on between VP Vance and Erika Kirk, the dead Charlie Kirk's widow. Speculation is based upon things Vance has said in interviews about hoping his wife will become Christian/come over to his beliefs as well as public behavior between Kirk and Vance at a recent event. She effusively compared him to her late husband and gave him an overly familiar hug that did involve her having her hands in his hair briefly. It did look EXTREMELY friendly. Right now it's just lots of speculation based on nothing but photo assumptions and soundbites, but I'm curious to see where this (the speculation and their friendship) goes. I am also wondering/worried about Usha Vance. I don't understand her relationship with her husband or her position on the many things her husband's political party stands for. Maybe she's a grifter like Melania and she'll be fine.

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Halloween Costume Contest at the Pub Run

Wed, 29 Oct 2025 12:55:54 GMT

I am stressed to the point that worry about my book and deadlines are keeping me awake at night. Nevertheless, I did not let that get in the way of me enjoying a little Halloween fun. I still managed to find time to assemble a quick and dirty (and cheap) costume for the pub run Halloween contest last night. AND I WON! The prize - a free pair of running shoes.

Sorry to my French friends and anyone who was deeply upset by the Louvre heist, but I could not help myself. In light of other things in the news, it made me laugh. The Mona Lisa was just the touch I needed to make sure people knew what was up. And to make things even better, there just so happened to be a traffic cop last night when the run started who was willing to pose with me for a photo.

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Procrastinating

Mon, 27 Oct 2025 16:23:56 GMT

I should be writing but I am procrastinating to write here. I just finished a therapy session and feel overwhelmed with how overwhelmed I feel. There are several problems merging at the same time and only one of them has to do with the state of the world. That, however, is indeed making things worse.

1. I feel such fear of failure that I am procrastinating instead of working on my book.
2. My husband's way of dealing with life right now (including the impending gloom of winter) is to deep dive into escapism like spending whole weekends at the Red Faire. We took a trip to PA this weekend so he could go to the Penn Ren Faire for the first time (the one in Maryland ended last week) and then also go to a pumpkin patch and do autumn things. I was able to get a little writing on my book yesterday morning since the places we were going to did not open until lunch, but he now wants to go to the Red Faire in NC (8 hour drive from here) which will consume another weekend and we already lose another weekend to hosting a conference on campus. I cannot get my book done and keep up with the other things in my life and I just need to stay home. I need to get better and saying no. His constant need for escape is not meeting my needs.
3. The crashing Maryland state budget has led to meetings and more meetings in which we have to find ways to cut $60,000 from our department budget this year. More cuts expected next year. Another emergency department meeting has been scheduled on Wednesday at a time when I would have been working on my fucking book to discuss this. As a senior faculty member, I am sort of expected to be there, but the rest of the day is peppered with meetings and teaching and so this was going to be my time. I feel like I am shirking my responsibilities if I don't go. At the same time, several major things have happened over the past year that suggest that whatever we decide as a department will be overridden by the upper administration. So I am not inclined to donate my time this way and sitting in on a budget meeting (even virtually) is not something I can do while trying to work on my book.

I feel so frustrated with myself for not managing my time better but some of these things are not of my doing. Should I go to this meeting and be a good citizen and face of the department (and fuck my writing for another day)? Should I let my husband down by telling him a firm no to these escapades in November because I just don't have time - even though one of these weekends is his 50th birthday and I did in fact want to do something nice for him and I am feeling guilty for not doing enough for this big age.

Okay, enough moaning. I have to finish working on article revisions (not my book) that I am co-authoring with my PhD student since that is part of my job - guiding her in the research process. This is yet another thing taking me away from my own writing!

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A Surprising Victory

Sat, 11 Oct 2025 23:31:46 GMT

Tomorrow is the Chicago Marathon and I am not running that. My marathon season is over and instead I am focusing on 5k races to work on speed (the marathon is 42.2k so one runs that a lot slower). As part of my kickoff in my 5k training, I ran a 5k race today which was one of my university's homecoming events. This race is meant to serve as a time trial to gauge what my current speed is so I can build upon it and get faster for my next race, the Thanksgiving Turkey Trot!

The course is a bit hilly and I'm not as fast as I was a few years ago, which is a little hard for me to handle. I'm always worried about the effects of aging on my ability to do things and the specter of perimenopause and the dramatic changes it inflicts on the body (e.g., accelerated muscle loss) is eating into my confidence. On Thursday, I walked most of the course to get a feel for where the hills would be so I could adjust my pacing and expectations. I didn't sleep well last night due to a number of factors but I arrived 50 minutes before the start of the race with something of a plan. My goal was to run under or as close to 25.00 for 5k which is 5:00/kilometer or 8:03/mile. A part of me was worried I was overestimating myself and that I'd end up coming in well over that, but I tried to put that out of my mind and just focus on running smart. Running smart also means adapting to the course (e.g. not getting down when my pace drops on the uphill) and also not starting too fast and blowing all my energy on the first kilometer.

I'm not going to lie - it was hard and I doubted myself along the way. I made the decision to look at my watch minimally and to focus on distance and only on pace at certain times (mainly to check I wasn't going too fast the beginning and to also check my speed once on each hill). The big hill did hurt and I found myself gasping a lot as a way to tighten my stomach so I would not vomit. I've never gotten sick while running but today might have been the closest I came.

Early on, I was passed by a boy who was supposedly 13 but looked 8 years old and then a man pushing a double stroller with two children in it. That was humbling. There were not a lot of women near the front of the race, but there was one that I took turns passing and being passed by until about halfway through when I passed her on the ugly hill. The final kilometer was both downhill and flat, but I was feeling tired and anticipated that I would be passed by other women. I let go of my goal of sub 25 minutes and focused on running sub 26. No other woman passed me and based on the time between cheers behind me by race volunteers, I was well ahead of whomever was behind me. I pushed until the finish line, feeling shock to see the time read 24:18 because I knew my pace was nowhere near that fast. When I stop my watch, I saw that the course was short (4.84km) explaining the surprisingly fast finishing time. My actual pace for a 5km was a 5:02 meaning I would have finished in around 25:10 which was still pretty close to my goal considering the long ass hill.

What was shocking but gratifying was being approached after I finished to be notified that I was the first place woman overall. The woman I had been jockeying places with in the first half of the course finished 40 seconds behind me in second place. I thought I'd have a good chance of winning my age group (Women 50-59) but in no way did I think I'd be I the top 5 for this race. Here's me crossing the finish line looking super exhausted and clueless that I was first.

This was a bit of a morale booster and it gives me a nice starting point for my 5k training. And I also got a ridiculously giant trophy.

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The rise of fascism in the US

Tue, 30 Sep 2025 21:33:44 GMT

Berlin was an interesting place to be for several days during this present administration It is a city full of memorial to victims of fascism and Naziism. One of the memorials that I didn't see on this trip but did the first time I was in Berlin in 1993 was to the resistance movement in Germany, and in particular in honor of a failed assassination attempt against Hitler led by members of the Wehrmacht. This later became the subject of a Tom Cruise movie called Valkyrie (the attempt was named Operation Valkyrie or Unternehmen Walküre in German).

There were quite a few attempts on HItler's life, several led by members of the German military. Obviously, none succeeded. But Hitler was just middle aged (in his 40s and 50s) and fairly vigorous. He was not a 79-year-old with chronic venous insufficiency. Trump should be more careful, especially when provoking the military.

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