Stress, Escapism, and Fanfiction
May. 23rd, 2026 02:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pennswoodsYesterday my PhD student had her proposal hearing. It went fine and she has a lot of work today. Afterwards I was so exhausted. I had been anxious about how she would do and I was a little justified in this. Her committee is large (5 people) and they all want different things from her, including some theories that I am not up to leading her through. I also felt like I had not pushed her enough or modeled well enough for her certain approaches to data analysis, and that this was something the committee was critical of. However, I also have to remember that everything is not on me - I am the supervisor and I can guide a student, but they have to do the work and thinking.
When I got home, I lay down because I felt so exhausted, but I couldn't rest. My heart was racing and I felt like I could not catch my breath. Eventually I went for a run (9km or about 5.5 miles) in the misty rain. I felt calmer and like I could breathe again after my run. I think the rhythmic pounding of running helps calm me sometimes, especially when I am running slowly.
I realize what I am feeling is stress. I feel overwhelmed with it almost. Classes have just finished and I am almost done with grading, but I have to wait for one more paper to come in for a student I granted an extension to. I am teaching a summer class for the first time in 15 years, and that begins on Monday. We are also leaving for Sweden in a week and there is so much to do before then including early voting by mail - despite the fact that there has been a fuck-up with the Maryland ballots.
I am also overseeing a lot of details for the conference that my organization is holding in Cyprus from 4-5 June. The attacks on Iran have really fucked up organizing and I hope that there is nothing new going on in the area that will destroy all that work. Nevertheless, as President, I have to do a lot of glad-handing, speechifying, and award giving. I am also doing a poster session on a small study that I have not even begun! I have no fucking clue when I am going to get that done. The past two weeks and next week have also been full of medical appointments that I like to schedule when classes end and before travel begins, so there's been a lot of interruption in work.
And on top of this, we learned this week that my FIL is not doing well. He is barely eating and the people at the assisted care facility called my husband to let him know that if he stops eating entirely, he won't last long. I think it's clear that my FIL will not make it through the summer and there is a very real possibility that he may die before we even travel. My husband wants me to help him and be there if his father does die in the next week, and that would mean pulling out of the conference. I don't know who will cover my tasks and I need to prepare for this contingency. There is also the possibility that my FIL will die when my husband and I are on the Camino in Spain and we'll have to come back from that and cancel all those plans - which is also something I have been spending a lot of time scheduling and researching.
My racing heart and inability to take a nap yesterday are part of this stress. I recognize that I am also using fanfiction as an escape right now. There is a lot of really good novel-length Heated Rivalry fanfiction full of longing, broken hearts, and misunderstandings due to immaturity and fear of social consequences. The tropes are so very different from what I was used to in the Sherlock fandom, and my Ao3 "to read" bookmarks are exploding. I am really enjoying the fic, but it is reminding me of the last time I fell deeply into fic during my early Sherlock fandom days. I am so surprised it's happening again. I love having a fandom again. I enjoy the feelings these really good stories are invoking in me, but I'm surprised. I thought this was in my past. In fact, I thought my reaction to fanfiction of the past was because of something going on in my life at the time that is not going on now. I am disappointed to learn that I am wrong. My hope is that when the stress abates in a few weeks that I will feel less drawn to the many various ways Shane and Ilya can be torn apart and find their way back to each other.
When I got home, I lay down because I felt so exhausted, but I couldn't rest. My heart was racing and I felt like I could not catch my breath. Eventually I went for a run (9km or about 5.5 miles) in the misty rain. I felt calmer and like I could breathe again after my run. I think the rhythmic pounding of running helps calm me sometimes, especially when I am running slowly.
I realize what I am feeling is stress. I feel overwhelmed with it almost. Classes have just finished and I am almost done with grading, but I have to wait for one more paper to come in for a student I granted an extension to. I am teaching a summer class for the first time in 15 years, and that begins on Monday. We are also leaving for Sweden in a week and there is so much to do before then including early voting by mail - despite the fact that there has been a fuck-up with the Maryland ballots.
I am also overseeing a lot of details for the conference that my organization is holding in Cyprus from 4-5 June. The attacks on Iran have really fucked up organizing and I hope that there is nothing new going on in the area that will destroy all that work. Nevertheless, as President, I have to do a lot of glad-handing, speechifying, and award giving. I am also doing a poster session on a small study that I have not even begun! I have no fucking clue when I am going to get that done. The past two weeks and next week have also been full of medical appointments that I like to schedule when classes end and before travel begins, so there's been a lot of interruption in work.
And on top of this, we learned this week that my FIL is not doing well. He is barely eating and the people at the assisted care facility called my husband to let him know that if he stops eating entirely, he won't last long. I think it's clear that my FIL will not make it through the summer and there is a very real possibility that he may die before we even travel. My husband wants me to help him and be there if his father does die in the next week, and that would mean pulling out of the conference. I don't know who will cover my tasks and I need to prepare for this contingency. There is also the possibility that my FIL will die when my husband and I are on the Camino in Spain and we'll have to come back from that and cancel all those plans - which is also something I have been spending a lot of time scheduling and researching.
My racing heart and inability to take a nap yesterday are part of this stress. I recognize that I am also using fanfiction as an escape right now. There is a lot of really good novel-length Heated Rivalry fanfiction full of longing, broken hearts, and misunderstandings due to immaturity and fear of social consequences. The tropes are so very different from what I was used to in the Sherlock fandom, and my Ao3 "to read" bookmarks are exploding. I am really enjoying the fic, but it is reminding me of the last time I fell deeply into fic during my early Sherlock fandom days. I am so surprised it's happening again. I love having a fandom again. I enjoy the feelings these really good stories are invoking in me, but I'm surprised. I thought this was in my past. In fact, I thought my reaction to fanfiction of the past was because of something going on in my life at the time that is not going on now. I am disappointed to learn that I am wrong. My hope is that when the stress abates in a few weeks that I will feel less drawn to the many various ways Shane and Ilya can be torn apart and find their way back to each other.
